All of us owe something to someone. When positive influences have made our lives better, we should be grateful. But gifts should be freely given and allowed to be freely accepted. Receiving a favor should not mean that we incur a debt to be paid. This expectation can turn happy thankfulness into 'the burden of gratitude.'
People are complicated, with an outer persona and an inner life which is hidden. Often we can't even understand ourselves. Because of this, we have to think carefully before we act. We can't simply allow others to dictate our response, but we shouldn't judge others harshly either.
We can also feel two or more emotions at once. These are well termed 'mixed feelings'. We can be really thankful while also feeling imposed upon or even violated. In that case, we may wish the whole experience had never happened.
Refusing a favor or gift may not be so easy. Children are especially vulnerable because they are dependent. If a parent gives - as parents are expected to do - but expects extravagant gratefulness, greater obedience, or some other behavior modification in return, it strains the relationship. Children are sensitive to what they see as injustice or manipulation.
If a parent - who has a natural obligation to provide certain things - demands more than a natural response, the child may suffer. "I work my fingers to the bone for you", a mother may moan. "You should be glad to spend every week-end at home helping out. Your friends don't care for you like I do!" In this case, the child is asked to sacrifice free time to pay a debt they shouldn't owe. They probably don't ask for servile devotion and would gladly settle for less in exchange for freedom.
A coworker may have a right to expect equal favors in return for favors done. However, if these expectations mean that they hold a grievance if they don't get 'paid back', they are expecting more than gratitude. Their bad manners or poor judgement don't automatically let you off the hook, but you may want to be cautious about receiving favors in future. If their expectations include wanting you to cover for improper behavior on their part, things are even harder to handle.
Sometimes we may not even feel grateful in the first place. However, we have to work well with others if at all possible. A positive gesture on the part of another calls for some reaction. A thank you note, more regular visits to a parent, remembering to pray for someone, or deciding to 'pay it forward' are all suitable reactions. You may have to work through your own feelings of resentment or suspicion; allowing someone else to disrupt your tranquility is silly.
If we really do not feel grateful and, after consideration, feel we are justified in not doing so, we have to decide what to do. A child can leave an unhappy home when old enough. A worker can let the offender know their actions aren't appreciated, ask to be transferred, or simply ignore the whole thing and hope it goes away. Unfortunately, this kind of thing might make a 'good' emotion - gratitude - into an emotional trial.
People are complicated, with an outer persona and an inner life which is hidden. Often we can't even understand ourselves. Because of this, we have to think carefully before we act. We can't simply allow others to dictate our response, but we shouldn't judge others harshly either.
We can also feel two or more emotions at once. These are well termed 'mixed feelings'. We can be really thankful while also feeling imposed upon or even violated. In that case, we may wish the whole experience had never happened.
Refusing a favor or gift may not be so easy. Children are especially vulnerable because they are dependent. If a parent gives - as parents are expected to do - but expects extravagant gratefulness, greater obedience, or some other behavior modification in return, it strains the relationship. Children are sensitive to what they see as injustice or manipulation.
If a parent - who has a natural obligation to provide certain things - demands more than a natural response, the child may suffer. "I work my fingers to the bone for you", a mother may moan. "You should be glad to spend every week-end at home helping out. Your friends don't care for you like I do!" In this case, the child is asked to sacrifice free time to pay a debt they shouldn't owe. They probably don't ask for servile devotion and would gladly settle for less in exchange for freedom.
A coworker may have a right to expect equal favors in return for favors done. However, if these expectations mean that they hold a grievance if they don't get 'paid back', they are expecting more than gratitude. Their bad manners or poor judgement don't automatically let you off the hook, but you may want to be cautious about receiving favors in future. If their expectations include wanting you to cover for improper behavior on their part, things are even harder to handle.
Sometimes we may not even feel grateful in the first place. However, we have to work well with others if at all possible. A positive gesture on the part of another calls for some reaction. A thank you note, more regular visits to a parent, remembering to pray for someone, or deciding to 'pay it forward' are all suitable reactions. You may have to work through your own feelings of resentment or suspicion; allowing someone else to disrupt your tranquility is silly.
If we really do not feel grateful and, after consideration, feel we are justified in not doing so, we have to decide what to do. A child can leave an unhappy home when old enough. A worker can let the offender know their actions aren't appreciated, ask to be transferred, or simply ignore the whole thing and hope it goes away. Unfortunately, this kind of thing might make a 'good' emotion - gratitude - into an emotional trial.
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